This is the transcript for the Two-Bit episode One Lump or Two.
| The Sheriff is snoozing at his office. The beaver runs up to the office | |
| The Beaver | Sheriff! Sheriff! Help! (The Sheriff wakes up) Malignant Mel is back, and he's terrorizing the town! |
| The Sheriff | Tarnation! I knew we should have had that big lump checked out when he first showed up. (The Sheriff jumps onto a giant snail) Yaah, Mercury! Let's ride. |
| Mercury whinnies like a horse, and starts moving, but like an actual snail, it moves very slowly. The Sheriff gets impatient. | |
| The Sheriff | (sigh) Okay. I reckon I'll just um... mosey on over there, then? |
| The Sheriff jumps off of Mercury, and dashes towards the town | |
| Camera cuts to Big Nine Benny who is sleeping in the middle of town, snoring very loudly. However, everyone is running around screaming at their wits end. | |
| Cat | We're doomed! |
| Earl | You're not taking me alive! (pulls out a gun and points it to his head) I'm commin' to meet you, Gladys! |
| Gladys | Hello, Earl. I'm standing right here. |
| The Sherrif arrives into town, exhausted and out of breath | |
| The Sheriff | (out of breath) Note to self, move office... closer to town. |
| The Beaver | '(sitting in a red convertible) Uhh... Sheriff? Why didn't you drive here? |
| Cut back to Mercury, who is still moving very slowly. Right next to Mercury is a police car in plain sight. | |
| The Sheriff | Dang it! |
| Big Nine Benny | (waking up) Oh, Hi, Sheriff- |
| The Sheriff accidentally kills the Big Nine Benny | |
| The Sheriff | Dang it! |
| The Beaver | Oh, hey. This ain't Malignant Mel, it's his brother, Big Nine Benny. |
| The Sheriff | Dang it! |
| Malignant Mel | Hey guys. Um... sorry to bother you. Has anybody seen my brother? |
| The Sheriff makes a nervous grin. Suddenly, Malignant Mel is shot. The Sheriff is shocked at this. He turns around, and discovers that the beaver shot him. | |
| The Two-Bit logo appears, and the screen goes black. |
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